


wasteland, baby (i'm in love with you)

by primreaper



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/F, Heavy Angst, Pining, Temporary Character Death, Unrequited Crush, also its not that graphic i just wanted to be safe, also this takes place during the, hngh this was just supposed to be like 500 words of taako being sad im sorry, see the thing is it wasn't even meant to be lupcretia their gay energy was just unstoppable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 09:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19438741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/primreaper/pseuds/primreaper
Summary: They lost her the first time in the sixth cycle. Lucretia, as much as it pained her to admit it, knew it was only a matter of time until Lup died during a cycle. Dear, sweet, reckless Lup.





	wasteland, baby (i'm in love with you)

They lost her the first time in the sixth cycle. Lucretia, as much as it pained her to admit it, knew it was only a matter of time until Lup died during a cycle. Dear, sweet, reckless Lup. 

Lucretia could remember with perfect clarity (as she could with most things) the day she met Lup, and by extension, Taako. The twins had sauntered into the examination room with a confidence that filled her with panging jealousy, walking close enough that their arms brushed occasionally. Shoulder to shoulder. Elven features were already impossibly gorgeous, beautiful in a way that drove both men and women to death in folktales, but the moment she saw Lup and Taako, she knew that there was simply something otherworldly, something _chosen_ about them. There was a cocksure air around them that made them untouchable, yes, but there was another, an insane unnameable _something_ that made her feel as though this were predestined, fated. As though some invisible red string tied their lives together. When she saw them, her throat tightened. 

They had slung themselves into desks just as the proctor began droning on about the testing rules and acknowledgments, snickering about some private joke together. And though Lucretia’s mind was clouded with anxiety about the exam, she remembered looking across rows of hundreds of applicants to stare at the two mysterious, beautiful elves on the opposite side of the room and thinking, almost incoherently, _It’s them. They’re the ones._

She also remembered the newly appointed seven of them, a few months later, sitting in clunky plastic chairs and looking down on a throng of clamoring reporters, and how she had glanced skittishly at Taako and Lup, somewhat nervous at the prospect of spending two months with them. 

After three cycles, when the possibility of them spending eternity together kicked in, Lucretia was fully able to appreciate the irony of the situation. 

In the sixth cycle, they landed in a world that was completely frozen, where the oceans were nothing more than vast expanses of ice broken occasionally by snow, signaling a landmass. From far away, it had appeared as a perfect sphere of white, dappled with light blue. The rare landmasses were populated exclusively by a race of friendly, pale blue humanoids that offered them supplies: a native harvest of unidentifiable animals, jackets sewn from a rich, thick cloth. Barry theorized that they were distantly related to Nordic humans, or perhaps frost giants. Magnus theorized that they were tall Smurfs. 

By this cycle, they had lived through four years of fruitless searching, followed by countless deaths. They had only managed to acquire the Light of Creation once, only once. 

The Light fell only a few days’ trip from the ship, prompting the crew to launch loud and swear-filled protests about going to collect it. It had practically grazed the nose of the ship during entry! But the conditions (and Davenport) had other plans. Outside, the temperature was constantly subzero, and Davenport had ordered them to remain inside lest they “turn into fucking popsicles, no, Magnus, that would not be _fun_.” 

The seven of them stayed cooped up inside the Starblaster for nearly a month before Lup declared that she was “sick of this shit!” She was pacing back and forth in their makeshift living room when without warning, she grabbed Lucretia by the shoulders. 

“I’m going to find it this time.” The look in her eyes was wild, slightly manic, and it made Lucretia nervous in a way that she couldn’t quite name. She felt her heart leap weakly into her throat. 

“Find what?” Lucretia asked, perplexed. Lup’s hands on her shoulders tightened for a moment and then relaxed again. In her wildcat anger, Lucretia was struck again by her beauty, the thin burn scars on the back of her hands, the delicate curve of her cheekbones occasionally spattered with freckles. 

Lup took her hands off of Lucretia’s shoulders, wrapping them around herself instead. “The _Light of Creation_ , ‘Cretia! Y’know, the thing we’ve been looking for every _fucking_ cycle?” She seemed to fold in on herself then, suddenly looking very young and very small. The irritation and anger had drained from her face. “Listen, we can’t let this whole world die. Not when we know how to stop it. Not when we _can_ stop it. It’s so _close_ this time! Please.” 

Lucretia’s heart ached, and she wanted to touch her again. “How are you going to find the Light? How the hell can you do any of this without freezing to death?” 

Her gaze was steely. “We,” she said. 

“What?” 

“Come with me, and the whole thing will be a bajillion times easier! Aren’t you tired of being cooped up in this… fuckin’ glorified birdcage?” 

Lucretia sighed, weighing the options. She could stay here and bore herself to death losing at blackjack to Merle and at solitaire to herself, waiting for this world and the people in it to get eaten up. Or, she could go out into the endless tundra with Lup and freeze to death. Lup looked at her expectantly. 

Lucretia heaved out another long-suffering sigh and nodded. Lup’s face lit up and she whooped loudly, punching the air and then Lucretia’s arm. 

“This still doesn’t answer any of my questions though,” she reminded her, rubbing her arm gingerly. Lup winked mischievously, a far cry from her demeanor just moments ago. “Oh, don’t worry about that, babe. I’ve got a plan.” 

And so she did. In hushed whispers in their quarters, Lup outlined their plan. The two of them, with the help of Taako, would sneak out in the middle of the night. She struck a deal with the natives of this world to acquire heavy winter coats, complete with a warming spell magicked into the cloth, and food supplies to last them another week (when Lucretia asked how Lup had possibly done this, she just put a finger to her lips and grinned, catlike), and they would trek northward towards it until they found signs of the Light. Assuming they lived that long, of course. She felt a creeping anxiety about the whole ordeal but transcribed the entire plan to her journal anyway. That was her job, wasn’t it? 

Three restless days after creating their plan, Lup looked at her and nodded solemnly, and then looked at Taako and flipped him off. Taako stuck out his tongue, which Lucretia surmised meant he understood what was, as the twins would say, “about to pop off.” 

When darkness fell that night, Lucretia and Lup stood in the doorway of the Starblaster, bulked up snugly in enormous winter clothes. In the room temperature of the ship, it was stiflingly hot, which she hoped would be of some use out in the frozen wastes. Outside, she could hear the wind howling, beating hollowly against the Starblaster's metal walls. 

_This is it,_ she thought. _Goodbye, Magnus and Davenport and Merle and Barry. I don’t think I’ll be seeing you again till next year._

Taako gave them each a cursory look. “Yeah, you two look alright. I think you’re gonna be fine.” He turned to Lup and scrunched his nose. “If you beef it out there, you know I’m gonna kill you, right?” 

She rolled her eyes, pulling him into a tight hug. “Sure, be my guest. But I’m not gonna.” Lup, still holding on to him, asked, “Do you have the note?” 

Taako nodded and pulled it out from his bag. Though it was folded, she knew exactly what its contents were. It was a brief, almost inconsiderate note, considering they didn’t know how long they would be gone, only saying: “Ask Taako. Back soon.” On the outside was a bright red kiss, courtesy of Lup, and beneath that, Lucretia’s own neat signature. 

He went to set it on the kitchen counter and made a joke that Lucretia didn’t hear, laughing in his usual brazen way. Instead, Lucretia was looking at Taako’s hands, which were shaking so badly that he had difficulty standing the note up. 

_He knows we’re not going to make it back,_ Lucretia thought abruptly. The thought scared her more than any white wastes ever could. She watched his face as the twins said their goodbyes, but it looked normal as ever. Only his smile seemed too bright, too artificial to be real. 

Lup squeezed Taako tightly one last time and skipped out the door, letting in a cold blast of air, and shouted something inaudible at them. Lucretia gave Taako a small smile, and then without thinking, grabbed his hands. 

“We’re going to make it, okay? I promise you,” she whispered fiercely. He shrugged her hands off, looking deeply uncomfortable with the sudden display of affection. “I believe you, my dude. Now go!” Taako pushed her out the door. 

And so they were off. Lucretia breathed in the cold, sharp air for the first time in weeks, savoring the dry parchedness at the back of her throat. The wind, still harsh and uncompromising, whipped so hard that she had to fight to stay in place. Clearly, the near constant blizzards gave no exceptions for plucky young adventurers looking to save the world. Well, a world. She blinked and could feel the cold air persistently trying to freeze her eyelids shut. Rubbing her eyes, she tried to disregard it best she could, but the sting remained. Swallowing, she tried to compose herself and was immediately overcome by a fit of violent, uncontrollable shivering. She began to wheeze and doubled over, still shaking. Where the hell was Lup? 

Darting up to her side, Lup tapped her shoulder gleefully, clearly buzzing with barely contained energy. The shivering vanished as quickly as it came, and a wave of warmth rushed over her. Lucretia straightened and looked at her, puzzled. With a slightly smug smile, she explained to Lucretia that upon touching her, she had wrapped a thin layer of magical heat around her, a sort of forcefield that acted like a second skin and shielded them from the worst of the weather. 

“Look,” Lup said, and produced a thin, high flame that illuminated their faces in the grey dark. She murmured a soft, hissing incantation that Lucretia recognized to be Ignan, the language of the Plane of Fire. Where Lup learned _that_ she would never know, but she gave Lucretia that cat’s smile again, and guided her hands to mimic her movements. Lucretia, who was a rather inept magic user, returned her grin weakly. Lup, patiently enough, showed her how to perform the spell, and after a few underwhelming tries, she was able to cover her most of her left hand with a layer of warmth. (Later, feeling unaccountably giddy, she wrote down the incantation and sketched the way she remembered the firelight reflecting in Lup’s bright eyes.) 

Lup clapped theatrically, beaming at her. The smile dropped, however, as she glanced furtively at the sky. “Better start truckin’,” she said mildly, “We’ve been standing here for longer than I thought. Don’t worry though, babe, it should be smooth sailing from here.” \-- 

Days passed. The trekking was anything but memorable, mostly because there was just something so distinctly unappealing about the vaguely blank landscape after a while. Her journal’s notes consisted mainly of the word “white” during those first days. The only thing that worried her was the odd flash of movement she kept seeing on the edges of her vision. It was probably just a bird or something. Did this world have birds? She couldn’t remember. Besides that, it was just the same endless emptiness around them. Over and over again, like they were in a hamster wheel. The boredom of it all was probably making her hallucinate. It was Lup, of course, who broke the monotony. 

“Damn, I’m freezing my ass off out here,” Lup complained. Privately, Lucretia agreed. Despite the jackets and gloves and hats that she had insisted that the two of them wear, not to mention all of the magic they had used to stave it away, the frost still nipped at them insistently. The tip of her nose was completely numb, and her exposed fingertips were so cold they stung as if being poked by tiny needles. 

“You’re right,” she said teasingly, “I wonder whose bright idea this was.” “Mine,” Lup said, rather sullenly. Then, she brightened. “Hold on, Creesh! I got another bright idea brewing in my dome piece right now.” 

She flicked her wrist ostentatiously, and metal skates materialized on the bottom of the boots they were wearing. “These are gonna make us go so much faster!” Leaning in conspiratorially, she whispered, “And it’s also totally rad.” 

Lucretia giggled behind her hand. “Yeah, I guess they would be if I knew how to skate.” Lup grinned widely as if this were precisely the answer she was hoping for. “Then I’ll teach you!” 

She stuck out her hand. Somewhat apprehensively, Lucretia took it. Unexpectedly, it was warm- her fingertips were the same freezing temperature as their surroundings, but the palm was dry, slightly callused, and radiating heat. 

Lup spun her around clumsily, laughing wildly as they both struggled to keep their footing on the slick ice. Drifting back a few feet, Lup regained her footing easily enough, standing as easily as she had on stable ground. Lucretia, on the other hand, was helplessly watching her legs slide dangerously towards a full split that she was pretty certain she couldn’t do. It was very much an “Aw, shit,” moment, Lucretia mused as she approached oblivion. 

Gliding effortlessly towards her, Lup grabbed her hands and pulled her upright, looking especially pleased. She did an elegant curtsey and promptly fell to the ground. It was Lucretia’s turn to double over with laughter before offering Lup a hand. She scrunched her nose and took it, and both of them stood eye to eye, their bodies pressed together. 

Lucretia blushed and averted her eyes from Lup’s face. The moment she did, she caught the same glimpse of flesh-colored movement from behind her that she had seen before. But this time, she was faster -- she spun Lup around and watched as her eyes widened. Together, they saw a starved looking monster, flesh thin and taut over bone, disappear. There were stark, enormous, and vaguely humanoid footprints behind them. So close that Lucretia supposed that if they hadn’t turned around, it could have killed them. 

“What was that?” Lup asked apprehensively. 

"I… don’t know. I thought I saw something earlier, that must have been it.” 

Lup shook her head. “It’s gone now. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about it again. There’s too much dang snow for that.” That same reckless grin appeared on her face as if it had never left. She began skating backward, shouting, “C’mon! Bet you can’t catch me!” 

\--

Dusk fell after a few giddy hours of skating and after Lup’s conjuration spell wore off, much to Lucretia’s disappointment. The sky, which was beginning to settle in a rare moment of meteorological peace, allowed splashes of rich gold and green to illuminate the previously menacing clouds. In a few hours, they would have survived nearly half a week outside. She mulled this over quietly, watching the last dregs of color disappear from the sky as they were overtaken by inky darkness. Suddenly, the thin silence was broken by the sound of Lup giving an excited shout. She whipped her head around. 

“Hey! Creesh! You have to come see this!” 

Lup, who had started a rather excessive fire, was waving her over frantically to where she was sitting. Hastily, Lucretia made her way over to her, where she was now apparently studying the ground with scrutiny. 

“Look closer, babe, it’s beautiful,” Lup whispered, awestruck. “Some of the ice must have thinned out cus of the fire.” 

Lucretia, somewhat nonplussed, drew her face close to Lup’s and stared at the ice doubtfully. She gasped. _The water was glowing._

Beneath the surface was a riot of colors that lit up the ice from below, no longer entirely obscured by the frost. She could make out darting fish, glowing bright teals and rich purples, some iridescent and others holographic. There were jellies that emitted a comforting golden light, drifting nonchalantly underneath the frozen surface. In the unbroken darkness of the sea, they almost appeared to be flying in some uncharted sky. Surrounding the fire was a growing ring of soft light, steadily growing brighter and wider. 

Almost unintentionally, she reached for Lup’s hand and looked at her, taking in the unabashed joy on her face, illuminated by the shifting colors of the water below. 

“Thank you,” Lucretia said. 

Lup looked surprised. “For what, dear?” 

“For, well. This. All of this.” Lucretia waved her hand inarticulately. _And for you,_ she didn’t say. 

She chuckled. “I took you on a death mission and you wanna thank me? That’s so sweet.” She patted her hand. “I should be thanking you. And you know what, maybe I will. Let me keep watch tonight.” 

“For the whole night? Are you sure?” 

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Elves don’t need to sleep, remember?” Lup gave her a very pointed look and said, “But you do. Now go get your beauty rest, babe! Goodnight!" 

Lup leaned in, closing the small distance between them, and gave Lucretia a kiss on the cheek. Where her lips met her skin, she felt it burn. 

Lucretia felt all the air leave her lungs, felt the world spinning around her as her stomach dropped, every nerve in her body hyperfocused onto where they touched. And then it was over. Vaguely, she restrained herself from touching her cheek. Because it was a friendly friend thing, right? Something friends do. Her face flushed, she gave Lup a flustered goodnight and collapsed into her sleeping bag, smiling to herself. 

She fell into a deep and mostly dreamless sleep almost immediately. Perhaps she dreamed of soft feathers and callused hands and burning butterfly kisses, but by the time she woke up the next morning, it had all vanished from her memory. 

Lucretia started awake, sure she had heard a rustling noise, something that scraped too harshly against the ice to be natural. There had been something this time, she was sure of it. She looked around, head turning back and forth -- and then she saw Lup. 

To her surprise, she looked exhausted, the bags under her eyes darker and more prominent than they had been the day before. “I thought elves didn’t need to sleep,” Lucretia said accusingly. Lup shrugged, giving her a wan smile. “Force of habit, I guess. Biologically, I don’t think I need to, but like.” She interrupted herself with a wide yawn. “I’m used to being real fucking lazy.” 

Her face grew solemn. “Listen, there’s a more pressing issue at hand right now. Last night, I saw something. Something bad.” She described the bright flash of movement she had seen a couple of hours into her watch that had moved almost too quickly to be entirely distinguishable from the snow. That wasn’t what troubled her most, though. Hidden by the cover of night, she’d seen a hint of that pale flesh stretched tightly over bone, and then watched it vanish in the direction of the Light. “We have to be ready,” she said, grim. 

Lucretia nodded. They soldiered on. 

\--

They followed the vast footsteps of the creature as quickly as they could until Lucretia grabbed Lup’s arm violently. “Stop. Do you feel that?” “Feel what?” Lup asked, puzzled. 

Lucretia pointed to the ground beneath them. The ice, previously a foot thick, had narrowed into a few relatively thin inches. She stomped experimentally, and a thin crack split beneath her foot .

“You don’t think…” 

Yeah. It’s got the Light.” 

As they moved forward, the ice thinned even further, in some areas even leaving gaping holes that exposed the icy water underneath. Lup danced around these, but with no small measure of alarm. Lucretia did her best to imitate her graceful movement and occasionally slipped awkwardly. 

The holes increased in number the farther north they moved, pockmarking the smooth ice. They reached a rift nearly the size of a small pond that surrounded the peninsula of a landmass -- it was difficult to tell, but Lucretia was sure that the snow had actually melted there, exposing… grass? That was impossible, but there were things that could make the impossible real. 

“It’s here,” she breathed. “The Light.” 

The words had barely left her mouth when a hulking figure emerged from the island, howling furiously. It was more horrific up close if that was possible: a low, distended stomach like a half-deflated balloon and jutting ribs that reminded Lucretia of famine victims. It whipped its head to her, and she saw its mouth -- barely visible, and the size of a pinhole in its long, gaunt face high above them. 

_It’s hungry,_ she realized. The closer they got to the island, the more of its landscape was visible, and it was full of trees (that could not have possibly grown here) whose branches hung rich and heavy with exotic, colorful fruit. A line of destroyed trees were knocked down in the vague shape of a lean-to, the inside strewn with pits and peels. The ground was littered with bushes ripe with even more fantastically shaped fruit, like the entire island was a bursting cornucopia. 

And behind the monster, there it was -- the Light, emanating a gentle white glow that melted the snow around it. Lup caught her eye and gave her a wink. 

“Hey, shitlips!” She flicked both her wrists outward and a heady burst of flame shot out from her palms. The creature’s jaw shifted and its lower jaw snapped open as if dislocated, and Lucretia realized with horror that it had. It gave that same screeching roar, exposing black gums lined with hundreds of thin, needle-like teeth. It slashed wildly at Lup, barely missing. 

Sighing with resignation, she broke a thick branch off of a nearby tree that was about the length and width of her arm. That would have to do. She lit it with one of Lup’s flames, watching in grim determination as the fire glittered in its molten black eyes. 

Almost imperceptibly, Lup lifted her chin. A signal. _Go get the Light_ , it said. _I trust you_. That scared the hell out of her, but she dashed towards it, sending snow flying in her footsteps. Behind her, Lup was firing unbroken jets of flame at the beast, who screamed piercingly. “How do you like _that_ , motherfucker? You’re like a rotisserie shithead!” she whooped, eyes wild with adrenaline. 

Grinning to herself, she scooped up the Light. That was when things started to go wrong. The creature, badly burned and blackened, began to lope after her with slow, sickening crunches in the snow, hissing. A stray fireball that was meant for it landed squarely on the ice surrounding the pond-shaped hole, melting a sizzling, jagged corner into it instead and exposing the dark water even further. Trembling, she held up her torch in her left hand, the Light tucked into the crook of her right elbow. It swatted the torch away like it was nothing, leaving it to burn away the ice. 

Saliva fell from its mouth. It was hungry for something the Light couldn’t give it. It knocked her down with a slash to the chest, and she felt her jacket soak with blood. Her vision turned a soft red. The Light skittered across the slick ice, out of her reach. 

There came a raw scream that rivaled that of the beast itself. Lup held up an immense fireball between her hands that she launched with terrifying accuracy. It hit the beast in the center of its back, hollowing a bloody, blackened pit into the rest of its flesh. 

Turning to Lup, the creature ripped her away, sending her flying into the choppy, dark water below as if she weighed nothing -- but not before she had the chance to launch one last, desperate fireball. It landed on the thing’s face, and it clawed away at its blazing head, wailing. The air smelled like cooked meat. It sagged to the ground, unmoving. 

Lucretia stood still, shocked. Her chest felt tight, burned, and the bitter tang of metal lingered in her mouth as though she was the one who’d been hit by Lup’s fireball. She forced herself to dash to the edge of the ice to peer into the dark, roiling water. Nothing. There was nothing. 

She steeled herself and plunged into the dark water. 

\--

The inky darkness was complete around her. Coldness began seeping into her bones, making her blood flow sluggishly. Slightly hysterically, she remembered something about how saltwater was supposed to be good for wounds or infections or something. She swam desperately deeper to try and find her, her body growing numb. The warmth spell began to flicker. Squinting against the saltwater, Lucretia saw her: Lup’s immobile form, floating loosely in the darkness. Her hair fanned out around her, glowing gray-green and forming a delicate halo. 

As quickly as her aching body could muster, she swam frantically to her immobile form, holding Lup to her chest as she strained for the thin light above. 

Gasping, she laid Lup out on the ice and dragged her best she could to the facsimile shelter the creature had made. The Light, discarded by the edge of the hole, was hidden securely in her jacket. In Lucretia’s lap, Lup began to stir. She coughed weakly. Around her, she felt the warmth spell return, heating up her numbed limbs. 

Above, the sky began to rumble. A storm was approaching. 

\--

Lucretia bowed her head over Lup’s, desperate to keep her sheltered from the raging storm. She could feel her own breaths hitching, threatening to spill over with sobs, but she had to push it down, push them away. For Lup. A few hot tears escaped her eyes, still tightly shut, and she could feel them freeze on her face in an instant. It burned painfully on her cheeks like a brand, almost like the kiss that Lup had given her. 

In her lap, Lup was still looking up at her, a small smile on her face. Her eyes were glassy. Her hair, frozen into clumps, began collecting tiny snowflakes. Her eyelashes were coated in them, occasionally floating away as her eyes roved listlessly. She was still so beautiful, even now. Her chest ached again. 

Lup had stopped shivering entirely, sending a sick feeling of dread and terror through Lucretia. It felt too final, and she wasn’t going to let her die. Not here, in this empty wasteland, alone. Not when she promised they’d come home whole. Lucretia held her tighter, desperately, tears still spilling down her cheeks, even though Lup was no longer shaking violently. An irrational thought popped into her mind suddenly. _You can’t die, I love you!_ She thought this with a miserable, reckless incoherence. Over and over again. Their bodies pressed tightly against one another forced her to feel how shallow Lup’s breaths came, and the difficulty it took for her to draw them. 

Lup stared at her, her face calm. Almost apathetic. Her eyes were open, but unseeing. She took a painful, hoarse breath, and let out a smoky huff of laughter. She reached up and touched Lucretia’s face lightly with her fingertips. 

“See you next year,” she whispered, her words slurred, and her eyes fluttered shut. They did not open. Her hand dropped and fell in an unnatural position beside her. 

For a moment, all Lucretia could do was observe Lup’s still face uncomprehendingly, tears sliding hotly down her face. They choked her. She buried her face in Lup’s shoulder, wanting to scream but not able to produce any sound. Instead, she closed her eyes and promised not to take a breath until she could feel Lup breathing. She felt as though she was going to be sick. 

After half a minute of agonizing silence, she broke away and uttered a heaving sob, more scream than tears, more anger than sorrow. In her head, she repeated over and over again _no no no no no please no_ like a prayer. Like if she said it enough Lup would come back. 

And of course, she _knew_ logically that Lup would be alive next year if the worst didn’t happen. But gods, that didn’t take away the tearing ache in her chest, the fact that if maybe she’d been a better spellcaster or fighter or person that Lup would still be alive _right now._

When Lup’s hand fell away, she felt the already faltering warmth spell flicker and die completely. She let out a scream, a real one this time, that echoed wildly and hollowly with grief, and the warmth spell returned. 

The rushing heat of it, so fiery and so _Lup_ was enough to startle her into silence. She looked in awe at her own fingertips. And then her lips twisted into a brief approximation of a smile. 

Someone watching her over those next few days would have been shocked, perhaps afraid of her: a slight young girl, _hardly even grown_ , the natives would whisper, seeing her march furiously and unstopping to the mysterious ship on the horizon. The Light cradled in her arms, haloing her silhouette against the flat, gray sky. Her face streaked with tears and the raw red marks down her cheeks that those tears left when they melted. Half moons carved into her palms from digging her fingernails too deeply into that proud human flesh. Her body a singular rigid, taut line. 

If someone had been watching her, they would have seen a queen bereft of her kingdom. Torn from her arms in a final, vicious battle. They may have been afraid, but they would have been undeniably awestruck. 

When Lucretia reached the Starblaster, she stepped into the deck with no flamboyant entrance, no declarations of homecoming. Just that same vague half-smile on her lips. In those long and lonely nights, the ice numbed more than her fingertips. With a kind of reverence, she set the Light down their stained dining table. It looked incongruous there, but she thought with a kind of dry derision that the Light was stained with blood anyway. 

Magnus was the first to see her, stepping blearily around their living room in the dark until he spied Lucretia. He rushed over, pulling her into a close, warm hug. “Guys!” He shouted excitedly to the general direction of their quarters, “They’re back!” 

For the first time in days, Lucretia felt that gnawing guilt creep back around her. _They._ She closed her eyes momentarily, grounded herself, and prepared to greet the rest of the crew with what she hoped was a bright expression. 

They crowded their way in through the doorway, their voices and laughter overlapping and drowning out individual words. All except Taako. He lingered silently near the doorway, keeping his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants. 

Barry, similarly to Magnus, wrapped her in a tight hug, his face slack with relief. He congratulated her for collecting the Light almost paternally, and then cut himself off. “Where’s…. Lup?” 

Ah. And here came the flood. Lucretia shook her head almost imperceptibly, her body subconsciously unwilling to deliver the final blow. Barry took a step backward, the smile on his face becoming fixed, his eyes glassy. The room fell silent. 

“I’m sorry,” she heard herself say. 

Barry took another step backward. “I’m sure you did everything you could,” he said, his voice ragged. “It’s not your fault.” He sounded as if he didn’t quite believe that, and Lucretia flinched at the palpable pain in his voice. Haltingly, he stumbled backward out of the foyer like the earth had shifted beneath him and he wasn’t sure how to reconcile it. 

Like clockwork, every face turned towards Taako. He was still leaning on the doorway, standing perfectly still. A lock of sleep-mussed hair fell into his face, obscuring his right eye, but he made no move to brush it away. 

“Taako, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Magnus touched his shoulder lightly as if trying not to frighten away a startled animal. 

Taako shifted, a movement that was almost unnoticeable except for the way it created enough distance between him and Magnus that his hand dropped back to his side. “Don’t worry about me, Mag. I’m gonna be just super chill, my dude. I’m one-hundo percent okay with this development.” His voice was toneless. Hollow, almost. 

Taking a step closer, Lucretia tried, “I’m sorry, Taako, but I know she’ll be back next year. I mean, we have the Light! When we make it out we’ll get her back, I know it.” 

He shot up, straightening up from a slump that she hadn’t even noticed him slipping into. In a furious burst of speed, his wand was at her throat, angling just beneath her jaw before anyone could stop him. It jabbed painfully into the hollow of her jaw, hard enough to leave a bruise. 

Eyes brimming, he snarled, “You don’t get to say that. All of your bullshit got my sister _killed,_ ” -- At this, his voice broke -- “And you don’t know anything! You don’t know that this isn’t the last cycle! What if we don’t fucking make it? You don’t know ANYTHING. MY SISTER IS DEAD RIGHT NOW AND YOU KILLED H-” 

Taako collapsed to the ground like a ragdoll. The wand fell away from her throat and Lucretia sighed, rubbing the tender spot where it had been. Silently, Merle had stepped up behind him and cast Sleep. Lucretia had only watched with a pleading sort of desperation. He looked down at Taako’s crumpled form with undisguised pity and stepped aside as Magnus easily picked him up. In his arms, his head lolled back unnaturally. Lucretia swallowed. At least he looked peaceful. A stray tear trickled down the side of his face and fell to the floor unceremoniously. 

Shaking his head, Merle gave Lucretia that same pitying look. “You know he didn’t mean any o’ that shit, right? I can’t really blame him, but, well.” Although he looked more put-together than the rest of the crew, it was obvious he didn’t want to finish the sentence. His voice was strained. 

Lucretia nodded, clenching her hands again. She felt her nails dig into the familiar slots carved by days of that same guilt and grief and loneliness and willed herself to stay composed. “I know,” she said, her voice coming out more strangled than she’d meant it to. “Part of me… is more worried that he’s right. What if we really don’t make it out of here, Merle? What if she’s just ... gone?” 

Merle patted her reassuringly on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry your little head about it right now. Get some rest. You’ve had a long trip, Lucy. Things will look better in the morning, and Taako will see that too.” 

Things did not, in fact, look better in the morning. Starkly worse, in fact. Most of the rest of the mornings during that year were like that. Taako stopped leaving his quarters after a while, except for when he went to Lup’s. Other crew members who bumped into him in the hall recoiled at his red-rimmed eyes, his normally carefully styled hair a rumpled mess. (Lucretia didn’t want to admit it, but it was harder when they saw him. 

Out of the corners of their eyes, they’d mistake Taako for _her_. She could tell Barry felt it worst; the curve of her name always seemed to be hiding on the tip of his tongue. When a rift in the ice adjacent to the ship threatened to swallow an entire village whole, Taako had blinked apathetically and pulled the blankets he’d stolen from Lup’s room higher over his head. For eight months, two weeks, and five days, Taako was incapacitated entirely. 

Lucretia remembered how he acted, how directionless he’d been without Lup. Without his twin sister, his other half. She remembered, and she wrote it into her journal: that Taako could not operate with the grief he held when he knew his sister was gone. 

Lup came back, of course. Until she didn’t again. 

When they lost her again, Lucretia remembered. She remembered, and in the glowing light of the voidfish nearly a full century later, a century thick with that same crippling grief, she prayed for him to forget. 

And so he did. 

_fin._

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for committing a kill your gays like i said this was accidental!! (it was pride month and my wlw energy is too BIG) it was just meant to b a character study on how the ipre crew dealt with grief but out of hand is my middle name  
> thanks to me for betaing and again i apologize
> 
> this is SHITTY but i ain't even give a fuck this took wayy too long not to post
> 
> @the-prim-reaper on tumblr and @prim.tea on insta come say hi girls and gays!!!


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